Chapter 80: Please Forgive Me
“No, no.” Cheng Ge found a very reasonable excuse. “You still have a fever.”
“It doesn’t matter. I want…” Tears rushed out of Wen Ling’s eyes again. His lashes were wet and clumped together. “Please, Cheng Ge.”
“Gege…”
Cheng Ge’s body went rigid. This is bad, he thought. He leaned his body back slightly. “Don’t… don’t. Gege, don’t do this.”
Cheng Ge’s reaction made Wen Ling’s heart sink further and further. What he feared most was Cheng Ge ignoring him or not wanting him.
Wen Ling’s tears became huge droplets. His breathing was completely obstructed, and his already aggrieved and insecure voice took on a muffled nasal quality, making him sound even more pitiful. “Cheng Ge, do you… do you refuse to forgive me?”
“No, I forgive you.”
“I was really wrong. I’ll never push you again. I… I don’t know what was wrong with me. How can I be so bad…”
“No, no. You’re not wrong, really.”
Wen Ling’s voice trembled more and more. His heart was filled with terror, and his entire body was shaking. Only by clinging to Cheng Ge could he feel less insecure. “Cheng Ge, I’m sorry…”
Cheng Ge was forced to retreat and slowly stood up. He felt Wen Ling’s state was wrong. Although Wen Ling was currently extremely pitiful and insecure, he gave Cheng Ge a faint sense of pressure. “Wen Ling, calm down.”
Asking Wen Ling to calm down now was no different from telling a man who had been thirsty for three days that he wasn’t allowed to drink water.
Wen Ling hugged Cheng Ge, crying while he kissed him, and constantly apologized, whispering “Cheng Ge, I’m sorry” over and over.
Cheng Ge couldn’t stand him like this. He gently pushed Wen Ling away. “Don’t… mgh… don’t cry anymore… I haven’t… I haven’t not forgiven you. Since there was a reason, I don’t blame you…”
Wen Ling heard Cheng Ge saying he forgave him and didn’t blame him, but seeing his averted face and feeling Cheng Ge’s hands stopping his movements, his heart still slowly sank.
“You’re lying. You’re a liar.”
Wen Ling’s fever had subsided somewhat, but because he had been crying and kissing, he was constantly out of breath. His small face was flushed bright red, and his voice was raspy—both raspy and muffled.
Wen Ling released Cheng Ge. Cheng Ge didn’t know if he was going to stop or throw a tantrum, and he wasn’t sure what to do next.
As it turned out, it was neither.
“Wen Ling, Wen Ling, Wen Ling… don’t do this, Wen Ling…”
Cheng Ge’s mind was a mess, as was his heart. Besides pressing against Wen Ling’s head and saying “don’t do this” and “you can’t do this,” he had no idea what else to do.
After that earlier ordeal, Cheng Ge truly couldn’t bring himself to say a single harsh word. Even a phrase like “What on earth do you want to do?” couldn’t escape his lips.
Wen Ling’s lips were red and glistening. Combined with his tear-stained lashes and excessively red eye corners, he looked even more pitiful. Using this heart-wrenching appearance, Wen Ling gently pressed his lips against the area below Cheng Ge’s ear. In a very innocent tone, almost like a murmur, he said many things:
“Are you still angry?”
“Cheng Ge, please forgive me.”
How could Cheng Ge have the thick skin to reply to each one? He only said very quietly, “I’m not angry,” and “I haven’t not forgiven you.”
“You’re lying again.” Tears welled up in Wen Ling’s eyes again. “Am I very terrible?”
“Do you feel very bad?”
“Cheng Ge, I’m sorry. I’ll…”
Cheng Ge hurriedly covered Wen Ling’s mouth, not daring to listen to him speak anymore. “Don’t. I don’t feel bad. Don’t be like this.”
Wen Ling buried himself in Cheng Ge’s chest again. “Don’t be angry anymore. Cheng Ge, please forgive me, okay? I’ll never be like that again.”
“I’m really not angry anymore.” Even if he had been angry, it would have dissipated long ago after hearing Wen Ling’s explanation. Being apologized to by Wen Ling crying until he was breathless like this, where could any anger come from? Let alone talk of forgiveness.
If there was anything to “not forgive,” it was Wen Ling, that non-swimmer, jumping into the water without a word, as if he didn’t care for his life.
Wen Ling kissed Cheng Ge’s lips. When he tilted his head to look at Cheng Ge again, his eyes were already clouded with a layer of mist. Cheng Ge couldn’t fail to understand the meaning within.
“It’s been almost two months,” Wen Ling whispered.
“Don’t. The fever, the fever,” Cheng Ge negotiated, even though Wen Ling’s fever had mostly subsided.
“You’re just still angry with me. You haven’t forgiven me, have you? I’m sorry… what should I do to make you a bit happier?”
Cheng Ge realized after the fact that Wen Ling was actually trying to coax him in his own way.
Asking him what to do was just to see the effectiveness of the coaxing. If he felt good, he was happy; if he was happy, he could forgive; if he could forgive, it meant it was okay. If it wasn’t okay, Wen Ling would think Cheng Ge was still angry and hadn’t forgiven him, and would feel the need to help more.
Wen Ling was single-minded. If he didn’t coax Cheng Ge well, he would keep coaxing. Cheng Ge could never out-stubborn him or out-argue him.
He was out of options.
…
Cheng Ge wiped the tears from the corners of Wen Ling’s eyes. He was always crying, crying so pitifully—such a crybaby.
Wen Ling’s lashes, like butterfly wings, fluttered twice. His watery eyes kept watching Cheng Ge. He obediently wanted nothing but a kiss. He stayed muffled and silent, and it was unclear if he didn’t understand Cheng Ge’s words and couldn’t react, or if he simply didn’t want to speak.
Wen Ling was always quiet, a soft kind of “forcefulness.”
He needed Cheng Ge to give him everything that was most direct in human expressions of emotion. Whether gentle or impulsive, he liked it all and would treasure it all in his heart.
After all, that was his most, most beloved Cheng Ge.
Author’s Note: Ahhh, actually, I was quite nervous posting these chapters. From Wen Ling’s perspective, Cheng Ge is a bit annoying in these chapters, just like at the beginning of the book from Cheng Ge’s perspective, Wen Ling was quite hateful. I’m really afraid my babies will be scolded. I woke up at 3 or 4 AM in a panic to check the comments (I’m a bit neurotic).
But I still wrote it this way because it would be too unrealistic and illogical if their relationship was always sweet without conflict. Cheng Ge’s like for Wen Ling hasn’t reached the point of unconditional trust yet. He’s someone with high defenses, strong self-esteem, and a strong sense of morality. He didn’t mind when Wen Ling cut him with a knife or tasered him because, first, he knew about Wen Ling’s pitiful childhood and the unfairness of fate toward him. He wanted to teach him well and felt he could still be straightened out to compensate Wen Ling. Second, it was because Wen Ling hurt Cheng Ge himself. If Wen Ling hurt anyone else, Cheng Ge wouldn’t forgive him on their behalf. He has an excessively strong sense of morality (he says he’s not a good person because he constantly judges his own actions and finds himself lacking; it’s subjective). Otherwise, he wouldn’t have chosen to ignore the harm Wen Ling caused him and teach him instead.
So when he heard that Wen Ling really pushed a girl, he was truly stunned. He felt like everything he had done was meaningless. He was terrified and confused at that time, so he asked Wen Ling why he pushed her. It was truly a questioning tone, so I used a question mark (?). But Wen Ling was too aggrieved at the time and felt that Cheng Ge was interrogating and being fierce with him. So when describing Wen Ling’s perspective, I used an exclamation mark (!). Plus, these chapters mainly describe Wen Ling’s aggrieved perspective, so everyone feels Cheng Ge is annoying.
Regarding the “upskirting,” Cheng Ge didn’t believe for a second that Wen Ling would do that. So he didn’t even ask about it, nor was he angry at Wen Ling because of it. He trusts Wen Ling on that point. He only cared about whether Wen Ling pushed someone. At the start, Cheng Ge didn’t even believe Wen Ling would push someone; he didn’t plan on asking. But when he went to help the girl, Wen Ling shouted at him not to touch her, and then he asked drily (Ahhh, sorry, I really think it’s quite logical).
Then there’s the act of helping the girl. How to put it? First, Cheng Ge’s sense of morality is too strong. Seeing someone fall, he thinks of helping. And don’t you find the image of those onlookers standing on the moral high ground with their sanctimonious attitude psychologically uncomfortable? If Cheng Ge didn’t help the girl and acted like a cold spectator, wouldn’t that be a bit ironic? (I feel that, and it would be OOC). Second, it’s Cheng Ge’s way of handling things. He’s always been an orphan, tossed around since childhood, so he has a bit of a people-pleasing personality (like the basketball match; actually, regardless of Wen Ling, Cheng Ge would have eventually convinced himself to agree). He habitually tries to make his actions reasonable, with an attitude of minimizing major issues. (Wait a minute!!! I suddenly realized you guys might think Cheng Ge has feelings for the girl or is protecting her!? Ah, he really doesn’t!!!! Giving his contact info and taking responsibility is Cheng Ge helping Wen Ling! If anything happens, he’ll take the fall!!! He doesn’t want that girl to cause trouble for Wen Ling!!! Ahhh, this is already a subconscious bias under the assumption that Wen Ling made a mistake!!!)
Also, earlier when Cheng Ge thought Wen Ling designed the car accident, he was truly scared and insecure. I don’t know if you can empathize with that kind of fear. If it were really Wen Ling’s doing, Cheng Ge would feel he had personally raised an anti-social personality. If Wen Ling killed someone, he would feel he was the one who killed them. That’s his psychology. He was torn inside, feeling Wen Ling wouldn’t, yet fearing the possibility, and fearing his expression would hurt Wen Ling. In short, he thought a lot and was afraid of everything, which is why he avoided Wen Ling for a few days. He was originally going to apologize, but then this happened… In short, right now on principled issues, Cheng Ge is prone to being startled, worried about Wen Ling going down the wrong path. So he’s a bit fierce, appearing suspicious—that’s annoying, I won’t deny that.
The two babies I created both have flaws. Wen Ling’s is obvious, but Cheng Ge’s core is stronger, and he can fake it, so it’s not as easily seen. I know everything about the matters between them and their inner thoughts. For Cheng Ge to do this much, I really think it’s already quite good.
At the very beginning of the book, I wrote a bit about Cheng Ge’s past. No father or mother and even being disliked. but Cheng Ge isn’t someone who loves self-pity. He believes the good and bad have balanced out. So I really described very little of his suffering. Cheng Ge’s experiences have made him someone who isn’t sensitive and doesn’t have rich emotions, someone who endures things on his own. If someone who was tossed around like trash since childhood were sensitive and overthought everything, life would be too bitter. Cheng Ge also doesn’t dare to be selfish, fearing being disliked.
So at this stage, he truly cannot understand Wen Ling’s pathological possessiveness. Sometimes he really isn’t clear and doesn’t understand the extremely sensitive, paranoid thoughts and behaviors in Wen Ling’s heart. He doesn’t know Wen Ling is jealous (he thinks Wen Ling doesn’t have the emotion of jealousy). But he still frequently puts himself in Wen Ling’s shoes, reflecting and trying his best to understand Wen Ling’s behavior.
For example, Wen Ling is unwilling to share food with others, but in Cheng Ge’s view, you must share with others for them to like you and for relationships to be good. And he’s always done that. But when he encounters such a “stingy” Wen Ling, he doesn’t blame him. Instead, he tries his best to think from Wen Ling’s perspective, willing to indulge Wen Ling like this, thinking that after moving to the new dorm, this problem won’t arise and Wen Ling won’t be unhappy.
“Indulge” is a very appropriate word, because many of Wen Ling’s behaviors are “errors” in Cheng Ge’s life warnings. Placing those behaviors on himself, he would find them childish—like throwing small tantrums (Cheng Ge doesn’t dare have his own tantrums; one tantrum and he’d be tossed out, disliked); like wanting company for meals and sleep. Cheng Ge wouldn’t trouble people like that. He’s used to loneliness and requires himself to learn to be lonely. But he can’t bear for Wen Ling to be lonely, worrying about this and that. In short, there’s much more—all of it is Cheng Ge’s favoritism toward Wen Ling. He just feels the person has a child’s temper; since he didn’t have it as a child, he should be pampered now (provided he doesn’t violate principles). But actually, Cheng Ge didn’t have it as a child either.
Cheng Ge has tried his very best to raise Wen Ling, doing everything personally. He hasn’t put much thought into himself, acting like a rough guy, but he’s meticulous about everything for Wen Ling, knowing the person is afraid of heat and dislikes noise, trying his best to avoid them. Not only has he researched every major and minor illness, but he’s also been helping to nourish him and keeping medicine ready. One expression from Wen Ling and Cheng Ge knows what he’s thinking. He can’t stand to see the person aggrieved. He’s really trying his best to satisfy Wen Ling’s needs, indulging him. Wen Ling is also being raised better and better, both physically and mentally.
The conflict arose because Cheng Ge’s trust in Wen Ling hasn’t reached the point of being unconditional. Wen Ling will also throw tantrums, being muffled and refusing to express himself or saying angry or contrary words. In short, I think these are very easy problems to occur in a relationship, and I think they are excusable for both sides. If such problems didn’t occur, the distance between them would remain stagnant.
Once such a conflict occurs and is resolved, it won’t happen again! Cheng Ge will always stand in front of Wen Ling, and Wen Ling will also tell Cheng Ge his thoughts and feelings, being his support. Their relationship will also take a step further, hehehe.
Some babies asked when they’ll get together. I hope to let them get together naturally when they’ve both completely thought it through and no difficulty can destroy their relationship.
And in the very first few chapters, Wen Ling was indeed very excessive toward Cheng Ge. Cheng Ge is soft-hearted but can’t get over that hurdle. Cheng Ge’s self-esteem is very, very strong, and that knot in his heart hasn’t completely passed. Forgiveness is one thing, but for an emotion like “like,” once he detects it, he will also restrain it. Before, he was afraid Wen Ling would be sad and didn’t even dare to distance himself. For someone as independent and clear-headed as Cheng Ge, it’s practically letting Wen Ling have his way and acting recklessly. At least at that time for Cheng Ge, the expected cost he had to bear was very large—it was equal to clearly watching himself sink. Cheng Ge is still quite stubborn and doesn’t go easy on himself.
Wait a bit longer. Relationships take time (when it explodes, it’ll be great, hehehe).
The last point is a pursuit of husband/wife phase that probably won’t have stereotypes. The young couple’s conflict will be resolved soon. They both care about each other deeply and will think for each other. They won’t do things that drive each other away. What I like is that kind of heart-scratching pleasure and warmth, similar to the pleasure points before. I won’t spoil things for Cheng Ge’s side, but our Wen Ling is a yandere. This point really won’t change. His soul carries Cheng Ge; to put it seriously, he’d take Cheng Ge with him even if he died (just kidding). And Wen Ling acting spoiled every day—isn’t that pursuing his husband? Hahaha.
You guys probably haven’t seen an author post such a long explanation, hahaha. Treat it as a character psychological analysis. Sorry, I’m a people-pleasing author, so I posted three chapters today (by industry rules, I should be dangling you guys, hahaha, just kidding). I have absolutely no saved drafts now. I love reading comments and shipping the CP with everyone, but I’m a bit glass-hearted and can’t really accept my babies being scolded or disliked, because I know they are all good babies. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have warned about minefields repeatedly (goodness, at the beginning someone called Wen Ling a disgusting pervert, I really felt broken). Similarly, if you babies now find you can’t accept the protagonist’s personality, you should cut your losses in time. We’ll meet again if fate permits. Thank you for your company.
Actually, a part of it is my own problem. My writing ability isn’t enough, nor is my prose good enough. My expression isn’t good, leading to… sigh, causing some negative feelings toward the protagonist. I’m most worried about this problem. Sorry, babies!!! But I will continue to work hard!!! Thank you for your support, babies. I will consider and weigh everyone’s reasonable suggestions. I’m truly touched to see everyone’s encouragement and telling me to take care of my health!!! I remember the babies who frequently comment, urge for updates, help me correct errors, and send gifts!!! Thank you again.
Translator’s Note: Wow, that was a massive note from the author! I’ve translated it in its entirety because it gives so much insight into the psychological depth of both characters. Cheng Ge isn’t just a “straight man” in a BL world; he’s a survivor with his own trauma. And Wen Ling’s “bad” behavior is a result of his environment. This story is becoming so much more than a simple transmigration rom-com. Hope you guys enjoyed the “Author’s Corner”!
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is this a repost?
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