Chapter 83: I’m Scared
Wen Ling’s hand gripping Cheng Ge’s clothes tightened. He opened his mouth, prepared to start a whole sequence of apologies, but was stopped by Cheng Ge raising a hand to cover it.
“Don’t apologize.”
Actually, regarding Wen Ling constantly saying “I was wrong” and “Don’t leave me,” Cheng Ge was quite helpless. He didn’t believe Wen Ling was his property or anything like that. Terms like “want or not want” or “throw away” couldn’t be used to describe him. But Wen Ling seemed unable to change it no matter what.
Cheng Ge silently let out a sigh. He didn’t worry about that for now and continued his words: “I don’t think this matter can be completely blamed on you. No one has ever told you, and I haven’t talked to you about it. You might not have a concept of it. How to put it… let’s count it as my problem too.”
Even though Cheng Ge’s tone was very peaceful, Wen Ling could still tell Cheng Ge was suppressing something. He subconsciously sat up straight and watched Cheng Ge obediently.
“Do you know what death is?” Cheng Ge asked him.
“I…” Wen Ling subconsciously wanted to answer Cheng Ge’s question, but this question was too close yet too foreign to him. He found it a bit difficult to describe. If he was too concise, he might answer incorrectly and seem very stupid.
Cheng Ge pressed his forehead against Wen Ling’s for a while. His voice was very light. “I’m not interrogating you, I’m just asking you.”
Wen Ling pieced together some things and added a four-character prefix: “It’s being gone forever.”
“That’s right. It’s being gone, disappearing.”
Wen Ling’s eyes brightened a bit.
Cheng Ge asked with some curiosity: “Have you ever heard anyone say that after a person dies, they turn into a star to guard you or something like that?”
Wen Ling shook his head honestly. “No.”
“It’s fine. It’s okay if you don’t know.” Cheng Ge was a bit sentimental and found it inexplicably funny. “I don’t believe in that either.”
If they really turned into stars, when he missed his parents as a child, he wouldn’t have looked up at the sky to see only a patch of black.
“Are you afraid of death?” Cheng Ge asked him, then added: “Do you have a concept of it? Can you imagine it?”
Wen Ling had never thought about this. He never thought long-term about things. He lived day by day, always in the today. Only after meeting Cheng Ge did he have concepts of tomorrow, the day after, and next week, because Wen Ling wanted to have Cheng Ge in any time he could imagine.
To the point where Wen Ling now thought about the concept of “death,” he thought that if he disappeared from this world, wouldn’t he be unable to see or touch Cheng Ge?
“I’m scared,” Wen Ling said with furrowed brows.
Cheng Ge raised a hand and gave a neither light nor heavy flick to Wen Ling’s forehead. He spoke the truth: “I see you’re not scared.”
Wen Ling was just about to retort when he was diverted by Cheng Ge. “I’m not very afraid of death.”
“Birth, aging, illness, and death are natural laws. Dying is the will of heaven. If I were to suddenly die one day, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal.” The words Cheng Ge had organized were messed up by Wen Ling’s “I’m scared.” Now he was completely letting himself go, saying whatever was in his heart, rambling about whatever came to mind. If he had thought it through before speaking, he wouldn’t have said this negative thing.
Wen Ling couldn’t bear to think about what he would be like if Cheng Ge wasn’t in this world. He would die.
“No!” Wen Ling was suddenly very fierce, a stubborn kind of fierce. “No!”
Cheng Ge couldn’t stop a brief laugh seeing him like this. “No, no. I think it’s okay.”
“What did you say at the very beginning? Something about the flesh on my body being cut off piece by piece. You even called me a puppy. Honestly, I was quite scared then. If you wanted to give me a quick death with one blow, that would be fine. Cutting piece by piece—I was really scared.”
Cheng Ge was certain Wen Ling wouldn’t be like that now. He originally intended to make a joke to let himself think about what to say next, but Wen Ling suddenly froze. His whole person was very tense.
Cheng Ge took Wen Ling’s hand and held it, seemingly talking to himself. “Your hand is a bit cool.”
He warmed it for a bit, then let out a sigh and pinched Wen Ling’s palm.
“I can’t figure it out, and I don’t understand what you were thinking then. Who taught you? Those words you said… to be honest, at the very beginning, it was really…”
Cheng Ge paused. He wanted to say “I hated you,” but then remembered Wen Ling was even afraid of a word like “hate.” He changed his wording: “…You were quite something. Bold enough.”
Wen Ling’s whole body was very tense, his heart being suspended higher and higher. His insecurity could be ignited with a spark, capable of burning into a raging fire.
He also didn’t know why he had been so bad to Cheng Ge before, why he had said those things to Cheng Ge, and why he had hurt Cheng Ge. That felt like things from a previous life, as if the person who did those things wasn’t him, but he had indeed done them.
Having developed a sense of guilt, Wen Ling tried to get off Cheng Ge’s lap in a panic, but was suddenly held by Cheng Ge’s two hands around his waist, unable to move.
“Cheng Ge, I’m sor… ry…” Cheng Ge pinched Wen Ling’s cheeks, not letting him speak. “You don’t need to say sorry anymore. If I say I forgive you, I really won’t hold it against you. It’s already done. What are you hiding for?”
“I just wanted to say that I didn’t understand you before, and I still don’t.”
“Why? Why did you jump into the river then?”
Wen Ling’s body was trembling slightly. Even though Cheng Ge was continuously stroking him, Wen Ling still felt Cheng Ge was angry—an anger different from any before. But he didn’t know what Cheng Ge was angry about, or if he was angry about everything. He wanted to answer Cheng Ge’s question quickly, but found he couldn’t answer anything.
Why jump after him? He was too aggrieved and too angry. He threw a tantrum and thought they should just die together. He was too insecure and too scared, going crazy and jumping in to verify if Cheng Ge would care about him. Even, he just wanted to jump in and hug Cheng Ge; he hadn’t thought about whether he could swim over—just getting closer was enough.
All the reasons were involved, but not a single one could be said. He couldn’t express them, didn’t dare to express them, and simply couldn’t.
“To spite me?”
Wen Ling locked eyes with Cheng Ge and eventually chose to nod.
“Then you were quite successful. I was driven crazy with anger. When I was holding you and you wanted to break free, and when I grabbed your hand and you still wanted to swat me away, I fucking wanted to kill you.”
Wen Ling’s tears came quickly. Cheng Ge helped him wipe them away and added: “Don’t be sorry to me. You’re not sorry to me.”
“After I rescued you, I wanted to strangle you. Were you scared?”
Wen Ling sobbed, his voice carrying a tremble. “I was scared. Cheng Ge, I was scared.”
“Then do you know that if I had been a bit weaker, or the water a bit swifter, or if you had struggled more intensely, you might have died. Of course, I might have died along with you.”
“No! No…” Wen Ling kept shaking his head. Had he almost killed Cheng Ge?
Cheng Ge only took responsibility for helping wipe tears, letting him cry for a while. Once Wen Ling’s emotions were more stable, he continued: “Kid, it was hard to work so hard to grow up this big, right?”
Wen Ling’s tears could no longer be stopped. Wen Ling didn’t feel it was hard. He didn’t remember things; many things he could no longer remember clearly. It was just that when Cheng Ge called him “kid,” he was very aggrieved. When he said he worked hard and it was hard for him, he was also very aggrieved.
No one had ever talked to Wen Ling like this, with such a pained and worried tone. To the point that when he heard it for the first time, his heart welled with endless sorrow, and his tear ducts were no longer under control.
Cheng Ge dropped a kiss on Wen Ling’s forehead. He cupped Wen Ling’s face with both hands, using his thumb to wipe away Wen Ling’s tears. “You’ve worked hard for so long. Don’t go and do those impulsive things so easily. That would be doing a disservice to yourself.”
Translator’s Note: “Kid” (小孩). This chapter is so emotional. Cheng Ge is teaching Wen Ling about the value of life, something Wen Ling never learned in his traumatic childhood. The parallel between Wen Ling’s past “villainous” behavior and his current “clingy” behavior is so well done.
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