Chapter 36: An Apology part 1
The surroundings suddenly fell silent. In just a few moments, the atmosphere in the hall abruptly changed, and both of their expressions grew increasingly grim.
Vaguely sensing a sharp, piercing gaze fixed upon her, Zhao Yiyi paused, then turned her head tremblingly. She saw that the man’s expression had already turned livid, and her eyes collided directly with his cold, imposing phoenix eyes.
Gu Zhen’s face was dark as thunderclouds. The arm holding her tightened slowly. He restrained himself for a long time to avoid an outburst on the spot, only asking coldly, “What did the Empress just say?”
He could easily pretend she had just been confused and give her another chance.
Just once. Only this once.
If she missed it, there would be no more.
Zhao Yiyi knew perfectly well he had heard clearly. Asking like this was just to make her think clearly before answering.
—But she had already thought it through, crystal clear.
She had thought it through: she would no longer love him. She had thought it through: she would pull the threads of affection for him from her heart.
They were just two puppies. Fulin dogs (Pekingese) had been popular in Great Chu for decades; her grandmother had kept one when she was young, and she had played with it in her leisure. Not to mention slender hounds (Xiquan), which every young nobleman loved to keep. Even if she really kept them, she wouldn’t have to tend to them personally; there were palace servants to help her.
Why refuse them?
Nervous and eager to cling to something, in her urgency, Zhao Yiyi clutched the lapels of his robe tightly. When she steadied herself and looked up at him again, her voice, though soft, was deliberate and incredibly clear: “This consort already said it just now. Because these two puppies were sent by Your Majesty, this consort does not want them.”
No matter how many times he asked, her answer would only be this.
Because he sent them, she refused to accept them.
Darkness gathered in Gu Zhen’s eyes, gradually resembling an approaching storm. Those deep phoenix eyes seemed ready to swallow her whole.
“Why?”
Rarely failing to erupt in anger, the gloom in his eyes dissipated as he asked indifferently.
Meeting his gaze, Zhao Yiyi realized she had crumpled his tortoise-shell patterned robe with her grip. She hurriedly let go and leaned back slightly. “Because this consort does not want anything sent by Your Majesty right now.”
Whenever there was a conflict, he would casually wave his hand, sending her jewelry or puppies, intending to make her behave.
But how much sincerity was in these things?
Gu Zhen found this answer somewhat laughable. “Just because they were sent by Zhen, you don’t want those two puppies?” Absurd!
Yet his Empress nodded firmly and said softly, “Yes. Because they were sent by Your Majesty, I don’t want them.”
Held too tightly by him, Zhao Yiyi gradually felt breathless. She reached out to push him, a visible frown appearing between her brows.
Not only did Gu Zhen not loosen his grip in the slightest, but his handsome features suddenly pressed down. Pinching her waist, he said, “So, when Zhen sent someone to deliver jewelry before, it was also for this reason that you refused even to show your face?”
Knowing full well this answer might invite fiercer retaliation and thoroughly enrage Gu Zhen, Zhao Yiyi still nodded gently and said softly, “Yes. Precisely because they were sent by Your Majesty, this consort didn’t want to accept them in the first place, let alone show my face.”
She looked up at him with a smile, dimples faintly appearing at the corners of her lips, the beauty mark at the tail of her eye seeming to hook the soul.
Gu Zhen could hardly remain calm. He merely glanced at Zhao Yiyi indifferently, but the cold severity in his eyes crushed her breath.
“Is Zhen’s heartfelt intention to be trampled by you like this?”
As if hearing something incredibly amusing, Zhao Yiyi laughed a few times. But as she laughed, her eyes reddened.
“Your Majesty asks if this consort has disregarded your intentions.” She clutched her skirt, trying hard to suppress the sob in her voice, not wanting to cry again and lose face in front of him. “Then this consort would like to ask Your Majesty a question today. Has Your Majesty ever disregarded this consort’s intentions?”
He demands this of me, but has he ever done the same?
Why, why when he clearly doesn’t like me, must I still keep him in my heart?
She spoke every word with extreme difficulty, sometimes pausing for a long time, as if every word was weeping blood, questioning him.
Gu Zhen frowned slightly and said coldly, “Empress, do not drag other matters into this. Moreover, when has Zhen ever disregarded your intentions?”
His gaze was calm, looking at her with even a hint of scrutiny.
But under such a gaze, Zhao Yiyi suddenly felt incomparably ashamed and angry.
He was always so composed, always with that air of controlling everything. So when they argued, he was always calm, always indifferent, making it seem like she was being unreasonable.
A surge of defiance rose in her chest. Zhao Yiyi looked at him with a smile and said softly, “When this consort was at home, I rarely went to the kitchen, only occasionally making one or two pastries for my grandparents. It was only after marrying into the Eastern Palace that this consort began to study these things.”
“That oil pan was scalding hot; I don’t know how many times my arms were splattered and injured. Once, while cutting vegetables, I even sliced open my flesh. At home, this consort never touched chores and didn’t know how to do them from the start. Does Your Majesty know that this consort learned all of this for Your Majesty?”
Gu Zhen’s Adam’s apple bobbed slightly, still staring at her without speaking.
Zhao Yiyi continued, “This consort never told Your Majesty these things, not wanting Your Majesty to feel burdened. Those soups, dishes, and pastries this consort sent—sometimes Your Majesty found them annoying or didn’t care to eat them, and gave many of them to the palace servants.”
She tugged at his sleeve and asked, “Your Majesty, is what this consort says correct?”
Without waiting for Gu Zhen to answer, she continued speaking on her own, “Although this consort never mentioned or asked about it, my heart was clear as a mirror.”
Gu Zhen closed his eyes. He truly hadn’t known the Empress was so observant of details.
“Then,” Zhao Yiyi said, “Your Majesty, tell me, where did Your Majesty place this consort’s intentions?”
She knew everything, yet pretended not to know, just not wanting to say it out loud and cause unpleasantness between them.
“Just for this?” After a long while, Gu Zhen asked her.
Zhao Yiyi smiled. “There is much more. Does Your Majesty want to hear?”
Gu Zhen’s gaze gradually lost focus, and he said nothing.
“That day Your Majesty called this consort over to grind ink.” She paused slightly, her eyes flowing like water. “I still remember when we were first married, this consort also wanted to grind ink for Your Majesty, but Your Majesty found this consort annoying and told me never to go again.”
They were all small things, but when small things accumulated, they became a river, the straw that could crush the camel’s back.
She was so, so tired, her whole body drained of strength.
Not happy at all.
Looking down at the man’s large palm, Zhao Yiyi seemed to see it again—that night she went to Chongren Hall, rolling up her sleeves and picking up the ink stick, wanting to grind ink for him.
It was this large hand that snatched the ink stick back and told her gently, “The Crown Princess works hard, but in the future, there is no need for such trouble.”
She had believed it. Believed he truly understood her hard work, believed he truly cherished her.
Gu Zhen’s hand resting on her waist rubbed gently twice, and he asked hoarsely, “Is there more?”
Is there more? There is plenty. Over two years, the bits and pieces between them, the pile of events—how could a few sentences exhaust them?
But she didn’t want to say anymore.
Those words, that past—every word spoken felt like slicing open her heart again, ignoring the dripping blood, only intent on displaying the bitterness inside for others to see.
Slicing open, healing, slicing open again, stitching up—such boundless pain, she was unwilling to bear it anymore.
“There is much more, but this consort is tired,” Zhao Yiyi said flatly.
She was tired, truly unwilling to speak further.
Gu Zhen felt his breath hitch, suddenly gripping that slender, fragile wrist. “Does the Empress only care about herself? Speaking halfway and then not wanting to speak anymore?”
Zhao Yiyi didn’t want to talk, just sitting there dejectedly, looking up at a pear blossom branch outside the window.
The young man who stood under the flower branch smiling at her that year could no longer be found. Everything, from the beginning, was actually wrong. It was her wishful thinking, delusional that an Emperor would also have affection.
Delusional that as long as she gave her sincerity, there would be a response.
“Zhao Yiyi.”
Gu Zhen called her again.
Hearing him call her name once more, she had no thoughts left in her heart, only feeling a terrible tightness in her chest, that twisting pain threatening to destroy her.
Her body felt inexplicably cold, and her breath carried a slight tremor.
Gu Zhen found it somewhat laughable and couldn’t help asking, “Just for these trivial matters, you can hold a grudge until now?” Truly a temperamental and vengeful one; things he had forgotten himself, she still remembered.
Zhao Yiyi turned her head away, refusing to answer, but was forcibly turned back by Gu Zhen.
“Alright.” Gu Zhen frowned unhappily, very dissatisfied with her lack of cooperation, then his voice lightened a bit. “Since you dislike Zhen giving the food to the palace servants, Zhen won’t give it in the future. Since you want to come to Zichen Palace to grind ink for Zhen, then come.”
Zhao Yiyi shook her head. “Your Majesty may do as you please.”
He had conceded this much, yet received only such a sentence.
Even having restrained his anger for a long time, Gu Zhen was a bit annoyed now. Suppressing the irritability in his brow, he asked coldly, “Zhen does this; what more are you dissatisfied with?”
Her heart ached with throbbing pain. Zhao Yiyi pinched her palm, forcing herself to be more sober, smiling miserably as she said, “Does Your Majesty think that all heartache and sadness leave no trace at all?”
Just a casual comfort from him, perhaps a sentence that didn’t even come from the heart, and it can be fixed?
Bright spring sunlight slanted through the window lattice, spilling into the room, onto her face as charming and bright as the spring sun.
Almond eyes, crescent brows, slightly reddened nose tip—all were telling of her grievances.
Her eyes held tears that had yet to fall.
Pooling into a spring pond.
“Stop making a scene.” Gu Zhen suddenly felt a headache. He never knew that the Empress, who had been obedient for two years, would give him such a headache once she started acting up.
Or was it that he had neglected her too much in the past and never noticed the Empress’s temperament?
Thinking this, Gu Zhen softened his tone for the first time, stroking her hair. “Zhen is a bit tired today. Stop making a scene; it’s just some small matters. If you don’t want Zhen to give food to the palace servants, I won’t in the future. If you want to come to Zichen Palace to grind ink for Zhen, then come.”
Zhao Yiyi felt waves of coldness in her heart.
She said, “Your Majesty always thinks this consort is making a scene.”
Pale golden light shone on her face, her stray hairs also glowing gold, illuminating her features vividly.
“That day, this consort merely asked about my brother, and Your Majesty thought this consort was making a scene and scolded me coldly.” She breathed rapidly for a moment, gripping his robe tightly. “Your Majesty warned this consort that these were not matters this consort should manage.”
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