Chapter 4: Failed to Play Green Tea
Jiang Yu stood at the door with his arms crossed, his tone stern: “Did you shatter Dad’s blue-and-white porcelain vase this time, or did you burn Mom’s cheongsam?”
“We really just wanted to treat you a little better!” Jiang Linmu raised that pitiful bunch of lilies aggrievedly. “Look, I even learned how to arrange flowers…”
“You call that flower arranging?” Jiang Yu raised an eyebrow. “That’s called murder.”
Jiang Qing took a deep breath: “Brother, we truly just want to treat you well. There’s no other underlying meaning.”
The living room fell into a deathly silence.
Jiang Yu remained silent for three seconds, then suddenly turned to the doctor and said: “Please increase the dosage, they’ve started hallucinating.”
Jiang Qing abruptly pinned down Jiang Linmu, who was about to speak, and said with deep concern:
“Doctor, actually, we really have been feeling a bit off recently.” He supported his forehead, his voice weak. “We always feel an uncontrollable urge to care for Eldest Brother. Seeing Eldest Brother work overtime makes our hearts ache. Even my favorite motorcycle feels dull and tasteless now…”
Jiang Linmu immediately caught on, pouncing over to grab the doctor’s hand: “Yes, yes, yes! I also suddenly had the urge to cook for Eldest Brother! Doctor, is there still a cure for this illness?”
The doctor pushed up his glasses and jotted things down in his notebook: “How long have the symptoms persisted?”
“Starting from last Wednesday. We suddenly felt that the way we acted before was too immature.”
Jiang Yu narrowed his eyes, his gaze sweeping back and forth between the two of them.
“How about this,” the doctor closed his notebook. “I’ll prescribe a bottle of vitamins for each of them first and observe for a few days…”
“No way!” Jiang Linmu suddenly stood up. “Doctor, you have to prescribe some strong medicine for me!”
Jiang Qing turned his head and looked at Jiang Linmu in bewilderment.
Aren’t you overacting a bit?
Seeing Jiang Qing turn to look at him, Jiang Linmu thought he was being praised for his performance, so he enthusiastically added:
“It has to be strong! If it’s not strong, I don’t want it!”
“…”
Watching the two of them echo each other, Jiang Yu suddenly let out a light chuckle.
“Your acting skills have improved.” He methodically unbuttoned his cuffs. “However…”
He suddenly reached out and pulled out a copy of The Green Tea Roleplay Manual from the gap in the sofa. “Remember to hide this better next time.”
Jiang Qing, Jiang Linmu: “!!!”
“Also,” Jiang Yu gently nudged the lily wrapping paper in the trash can with the tip of his shoe. “The owner of the flower shop just sent me a message saying you guys bought the absolute cheapest lilies.”
Jiang Linmu’s face flushed red: “That’s because…”
“Pocket money got deducted?” Jiang Yu raised an eyebrow. “Because a certain duo took the turtle Dad has been raising for 10 years and used it to skip stones on the water last week?”
Both brothers shrank their necks simultaneously.
“Now,” Jiang Yu tossed The Green Tea Roleplay Manual into the trash can. “Who’s going to explain first why you suddenly decided to learn this?”
Jiang Qing stared down at his own fingers, while Jiang Linmu stared down at the tips of his toes.
Finally, Jiang Linmu took a deep breath, raised his head, and revealed a brilliant smile:
“Because… we wanted to give Eldest Brother a surprise?”
“We see how hard Eldest Brother works every day, and I felt that the ‘Green Tea’ persona is the most suitable for providing emotional value to Eldest Brother.”
Hearing this, Jiang Yu raised his eyebrows slightly.
“Emotional value? Like what, for example?”
Jiang Linmu instantly got into character: “For example, when Eldest Brother works overtime, I would say, ‘Brother works so hard, unlike me, who only knows how to make Brother’s heart ache.'”
Jiang Qing immediately followed suit, leaning against the armrest of the sofa like a fragile willow swaying in the wind: “When Eldest Brother drinks at social gatherings, I’ll say, ‘If your boyfriend knew you didn’t take care of your body like this, he would definitely be so heartbroken.'”
A bizarre silence permeated the air.
Jiang Yu was silent for three seconds before suddenly reaching out to feel Jiang Qing’s forehead: “Do you have a fever?”
“These are the fruits of our studies!” Jiang Qing stiffened his neck and dodged.
“We researched all the green tea tactics available on the market,” Jiang Linmu actively supplemented. “Including but not limited to, ‘Brother bought this for me, your girlfriend won’t be angry, right?’, and ‘She only lost her life, but what I lost was my love’…”
Jiang Yu finally interrupted, unable to bear it any longer: “Just how much weird stuff have you two read?”
“Selected Green Tea Quotes!”
“One Hundred Questions on Flirting with Men!”
The two spoke in perfect discord.
Jiang Yu turned his head and spoke to the doctor:
“Two bottles of vitamins each.”
The two of them: “…”
The doctor pushed up his glasses and carefully recorded in his notebook: “Let’s add some honeysuckle dew as well, to clear heat and detoxify.”
“We’re not sick!” Jiang Qing snatched the One Hundred Questions on Flirting with Men from Jiang Linmu’s hands and hugged it to his chest. “This is all science!”
Jiang Linmu immediately voiced his support: “We even took notes!” As he spoke, he pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. On it, written in highlighter, was the Green Tea Code of Conduct. The fourth rule was even highlighted heavily: Must appropriately display a fragile beauty.
“Display a fragile beauty?” Jiang Yu reached out and snatched the paper, reading the example written on it. “‘Accidentally spill red wine on the other person’s shirt, then lean against them while helping to wipe it off’?”
He looked at the two of them: “Were you planning to destroy my entire walk-in closet?”
Jiang Qing had a flash of quick-wittedness: “We can switch it to honey water! It’s healthy and looks good!”
“Exactly!” Jiang Linmu hurriedly pulled a small jar from his hoodie pocket. “I even carry honey with me at all times!”
Jiang Qing turned his head to look at Jiang Linmu.
Why do you literally carry everything on you?
Jiang Yu massaged his forehead and stayed silent for a moment: “Now, immediately, go bring out all the other textbooks you have hidden.”
Five minutes later.
A small mountain piled up on the coffee table:
10 Tips to Make You More Popular
The Charm of Language
High EQ Conversation Techniques
Ten Micro-expressions to Read Minds
The Art of Acting Spoiled
99 Details to Make Him Unable to Leave You
…
Jiang Yu placed the last book back on the pile, planted both hands on the coffee table, and leaned in close to his two younger brothers:
“Now, someone please explain—”
“This copy of Sea King Cultivation: From Beginner to Master, who exactly was this intended for?”
“…”
“Um… well, you see…” Jiang Linmu’s eyes darted around guiltily.
“The flip side of a green tea is a Sea King. Thinking about problems from a different perspective to relieve Eldest Brother’s worries is also a method,” Jiang Qing said with a straight face.
“Then tell me, two Green Teas who are also Sea Kings… you plan to use all these methods on me?”
“How exactly have I offended you two recently?” Jiang Yu helplessly rubbed his temples.
Jiang Qing and Jiang Linmu exchanged a glance, then suddenly hugged Jiang Yu’s arms, one on the left and one on the right.
“Brother! We’re just afraid you’ll be deceived by those bad boys… ah… no, bad girls out there!” Jiang Qing pressed his face against his brother’s shoulder. “If you get used to our routines first, you’ll be immune to all poisons in the future!”
Jiang Linmu nodded frantically.
Just as they were talking, the front door was suddenly opened.
“Young Master! The Sea Salt Cheese Cake and Basque Cake that you ordered from xxx shop, saying you specially bought them for the Second Young Master, were brought in 5 minutes ago. I’ve specifically brought them over to you now!”
Jiang Yu: “…”
Jiang Linmu blinked and looked at Jiang Qing: “I feel like these two cakes are more suited to be declared intangible cultural heritage.”
Jiang Qing: “…”
Translator’s Note:
- She only lost her life, but what I lost was my love: This iconic line is a direct quote from the classic Chinese drama Dreams Link (一簾幽夢). It’s famous for being one of the most absurdly manipulative and melodramatic lines in TV history. Perfect material for a green tea!
- Sea King (海王): Internet slang for a player or a fuckboy. Someone who has a very large “ocean” filled with “fish” (romantic prospects) and strings many people along at once.
- Honeysuckle dew: A traditional Chinese remedy often given to cool down the body’s “internal heat” (which can be caused by anger, stress, or eating too much fried food). The doctor thinks they need to cool their heads!
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